


To be something

by nipsu



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Car Sex, Fluff, Gay Feelings, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Nothing too explicit, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sort Of, i just want happy billy but cant manage, idk what this is, yeah its angsty af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 12:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13008033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nipsu/pseuds/nipsu
Summary: Is this what it’s going to be? At practice Billy gets to press his hand up against Steve’s back and no one thinks anything about it. But it doesn’t leave Billy’s mind for days. Billy hates it, because it’s fucking gay and he wants to touch Steve’s back when they lie in bed together. He wants to do that shit and it’s fucking gay. It’s also why Neil hits him.+++a quick fic where Billy thinks about Steve a lot and Steve touches Billy a lot. Billy's afraid it's never going to be anything else, even though he'd want so much more.





	To be something

Is this what it’s going to be? They share a joint at a party where the music’s too hard to talk to each other. In class they exchange looks when they need to find partners for a group project but they always end up with someone else. And Billy doesn’t even know if he could have taken it if it were otherwise. At least he gets grades that don’t make Neil hit him when he isn’t partnered up with Steve, that’s how much he knows. At practice Billy gets to press his hand up against Steve’s back and no one thinks anything about it. But it doesn’t leave Billy’s mind for days and when he’s in the shower afterwards he gets to look at him and it’s not gay, because everyone looks at each other. Billy hates it, because it’s fucking gay for him and he wants to touch Steve’s back when they lie in bed together. He wants to do that shit and it’s fucking gay. It’s also why Neil hits him. 

He thinks about it sometimes, if Steve were to love him back. What would happen if they accidentally kissed at a party? What if they’d go out together? Everyone would have their opinion ready right in the palm of their hands. No jobs, no friends, no family, where’s a future in that? It also occurs to Billy that this is his situation already if you don’t count his dad. And he doesn’t. So it couldn’t really get any worse for Billy if he were to fuck Steve and everyone would know. He really wants to fuck Steve right now. 

At night he dreams of Steve and holding his hand. It’s gay. They’ll never be together and Billy knows that. Steve would want to start a life somewhere, sometime. With all the kids he surrounds himself with now, Billy can’t imagine Steve not having kids when he’s old enough. When he realises that Billy is fun and games but they can’t buy a house together or start a family. But this is still good enough for Billy. He gets to have Steve for just a little while and that’s more than he’d ever hoped for. 

Steve knows it too. When Billy is drunk at a party (which he always is) he can’t keep his mouth shut. He just blabbers all his feelings around and he tried to kiss Steve once. Steve became embarrassed and pushed him away. Now at every party Steve avoids him until he’s drunk enough and they make out in his Camaro. It’s rough and Steve has hickeys that he blames on pretty girls who don’t remember but always claim to do. 

But Steve runs, and they don’t talk to each other. In fact Billy can’t remember the last thing he’d said to Steve. He’s afraid. He’s afraid it’s pure lust for Steve, that in the depths of his heart he hated Billy’s guts but that the sex was good and he misses Nancy sometimes. But you can’t go fucking other girls from the same little town cause he has something to uphold. 

Billy can’t say no, because he has been pining after Steve since maybe day 4 and he always does the shittiest things like punching him in the face. Multiple times. It’s his own fault and he’s just like his father, but at least now he only punches the ceiling of the car when he’s with Steve. When Steve is inside of him and it fucking hurts but it’s beautiful. Steve is beautiful when he holds his hips just right and destroys him all the way to his heart. 

Billy must hate himself so much. It’s not just sex for him. Although Steve has a fucking fine ass and when he comes his face is the last thing Billy ever wants to see. Billy hates it when it’s done, and they exchange a couple of awkward coughs, Steve passing some toilet paper or an old shirt to Billy to wipe himself clean as Steve wriggles his jeans back up. It’s cold and there are clouds of smoke leaving Steve’s mouth when he looks at Billy from outside, barely a minute after. His eyes linger for longer than they should without saying something, but he doesn’t say anything and leaves. He always leaves. 

Of course Billy wants it to be more, it’s Steve Harrington and you’d be an idiot if you didn’t want to be with him. In the end though, Billy always does what Steve wants, he fucks him and they kiss when they’re drunk. If Steve wants this, Billy wants it too. If Steve doesn’t want more than this, Billy doesn’t do more. He gets to have just this tiny bit of Steve, and he cherishes it. Demanding more and taking the chance of ruining it all isn’t an option. Not when Steve Harrington’s dick is in your ass and your arms are trembling on his shoulders. 

Not when this is everything you’re scared to death of, but if you’d lose it you would be even more frightened.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in 4 years (!!!) but these two make me rip my hairs out of my head and I needed to write something. My hands are rusty.
> 
> http://nipsus.tumblr.com/


End file.
